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When loved ones die, we sometimes struggle how to explain death to our children. Currently, with the passing of President George H. W. Bush, it is hard for our children not to hear about his death. I believe we should not completely shelter our children from death, rather we should use the occasion to educate them about this natural part of life. I want to share with you three ways in which you can help your child navigate this learning experience.
1. If possible, begin preparing your child for the possibility of the death of a grandparent or sick relative before the time arrives. Perhaps, even a beloved pet is aging and near the end of life. Talk about how we are born as a tiny baby. Even our great grandparents were little babies too. Then we grow and live and sometimes accidents happen, and puppies or younger people’s bodies cannot handle the impact. Sometimes older people get very sick and their bodies just can’t get heal. Explain to your child how God didn’t make our bodies to live forever, however, he did make something very special inside of us to live forever.
When I talked to my children about this, I explained their soul as the “part of Grandma who made her Grandma.” The part of her which made us love her. Perhaps you could use descriptive words to illustrate your loved one’s character and personality. Words like, “the part of Grandpa which loved to tell us stories,” or “the part of Grandma which made you love baking cookies with her so much.”
I told my children, that this special part of Grandma is the part which is now with God. I told them in Heaven she would no longer need her body, but we could be happy knowing that the part of Grandma we loved so much is still alive with God. You will be amazed at how much easier it is for a child to grasp the concept of a loved one in heaven than it is for us as adults.
2. Look for opportunities in nature to reinforce the “circle of life”. Perhaps you can find a caterpillar, then a cocoon, then a butterfly, and perhaps the remnants of a butterfly or insect which is no longer alive. Look at the trees right now. In many places, the leaves are turning colors and falling from the tree. Soon we will pick them up in a big bag, or mulch them, or they will simply blow away and in a few months, (or a few days in the South), the trees will have tiny buds and then new leaves. Everywhere we look there are signs that physical things are not made for eternity.
It is good to talk about how these changes, just like the loss of life, can make us sad. We need to emphasize to our child it is okay to be sad. Sadness and tears are normal feelings God gave us. Just like the falling of leaves signals the end of a season, it also is the catalyst for a new one.
In nature, we see this when we lose and mourn the life of one family member and then rejoice over the birth of another.
It is important for our children to understand these are normal realities of life as is our breathing and eating and sleeping. I believe the less we can be over dramatic about the events surrounding a death, the more our child can understand that while mommy is sad, it is okay and normal to be sad sometimes. Sadness can be a sign that we care.
3. Look for good stories to help illustrate the stages of life. First, don’t overlook the very story of Jesus himself. He was born as a baby, died and he is with God now. ( It is important to clarify with older children that Jesus was special in that he did get to walk around for a while before going back to God.)
I like the following two books:
“I’ll Always Love You “is a short story about a little boy and his dog who passes away in the night and how he moves on from the death.
Papa’s Gift is a beautifully illustrated story about a little girl and her Papa and how their relationship grows. In time her Papa teaches her what faith looks like, which she really doesn’t understand until she no longer as her Papa.
Of course, you can always read or watch “Lion King” or my personal favorite, “Charlotte’s Web”, if they are age appropriate for your child.
Just keep the tissue box close for any of these stories
You are your child’s parent and you need to decide what is appropriate for your child’s maturity level. My personal experience is if you can first introduce your child to the concept of death through the loss of an acquaintance, someone the child is not closely attached to, it will help for the time when a loved one does pass. I have known several young adults whose first funerals were that of a dear loved one. It wasn’t easier for these twenty-somethings.
If your family is coping with the loss of a friend or family member this season, I pray you will find peace and healing.
